I am flattered that some feel my creative writing is entertaining enough to want to share with others. These stories, however, are a labor of love and are ever evolving. Direct copying of any of these stories would not be flattering at all. If you would like to share with others you may copy a portion of a story and then link to the original here. Thank you for understanding.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Advice: ████████████

Dear Threetoes,

I seem to have a problem with discipline among my troops, in particular, when it has to do with waiting to heal fully or not running off and getting themselves killed on an impulse. It’s like they don’t like living very much!

How do I convince them to calm down and pay more attention to their own health and safety?

Aggravated Commander

Dear Commander,

When I was assigned ████████ ████████████ Gnomeregan Regiment, I was privy to an experiment ███████ ██████ ███████████ ████████. As with most Gnomish experiments ███████ ██████████ ███████. Perhaps you could ███████████ ██████ ████████████ ███████ or ███████ █████████ ████████ but you might be better off with █████ ████ ██████ ██ ███████████ ██████████ ████████ █████████ █ instead. Either way, ██ █████ ██████ ███████ ████ ██████ ███████ ███ █████ ███ ██████ █████ █████!

My contact with the regiment was ████████ ████████ and ████ said that the ███████ █████ ███████ █████ ████ ████ course ████ could be making it all up, Gnomes are █████ ████████ ████████ ███████ ██████ ██████ ████.

Alternatively you could try █████ ██████ ████ ██ ████████ ████████████ ████████ ██████████ █████████ ████. ███ ██████ ████ ████ ████ ███████ █████ ███████ ███████ █████…████ ███████ ████████ █████████ ████. Or, ██████ █ █████ ██████ ████ ███████ █████ ██████ ███ █████████ █████ ████ ██████ ████ ██████ ████ █████ ███████ ███ with a ██████ █████ ████ ██████ ███. But your milage may vary.

I wish you the best of luck!

Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer

- This document has been cleared for release by the security division of the Gnomeregan Unusually Elite Secret Service.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Advice: Willing Whomper

Dear Threetoes,
Greetin's! I've a question fer ye. What do ye think o' Death Knights? I want t' see 'em killed off now that the Lich King is dead, but the human king says they be members o' the Alliance now. There are e'en a few in me guild!

They act polite enough, but I can see 'em lookin' at me sometimes, and I'm sure they're thinkin' about how t' properly disembowel me or somethin' nasty like that. Can they change? Or will they always be murderous, hateful critters?

Wants t' whomp 'em first.

Dear Whomp 'em,
It doesn't really matter what I think of Death Knights. It doesn't even matter what the leaders of the Alliance think of Death Knights. Nope, the only thing that matters right now is what you think of Death Knights.

I'm hesitant to feed into your obvious need to lump all of one type of people into one category. All dwarves are drunks; all gnomes are inventors; all men (of any species) are pigs; all women (of any species) prefer frilly things to plate; all... well you get my point. If one or several particular Death Knights are looking at you like they want to disembowel you, treat that situation individually. Imagine they are a warrior and approach based on all your other bias instead of with the Death Knight bias in the forefront.

Me, personally, if someone is glowering at me I either ignore it or glower right back. I'm pretty good at glowering, especially if I've been drinking. Typically if the one glowering at me has ill intention then me glowering back triggers an escalation. That's when I, or in this case you, takes things outside.

For your own peace of mind I strongly suggest you consider checking your prejudice and reevaluate your motivations. You call all Death Knights murderous, hateful critters, but you're the one writing into an advice column and signing it "Wants t'whomp 'em first."

Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Threetoes Contest

I had 16 letters submitted to the draw, but one of them was mine! Thanks to for supplying me with a "draw" tool. The Winner... in order of publication... issssss....


I'll send you the code for your Soul of the Aspect companion pet via the website. Congratulations!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Advice: Tantalizing Trolls

Dear Threetoes,
I must confess that this is a subject that turns me bright red just to think about it. I need advice on well...interracial dating. My problem is that I can't help finding trolls attractive and being a petite elf you can see how some things could be well...hard to accomplish. I mean look at some of those tusks!

Plus there is the fact that when I say anything about it in public I get a bunch of ewwww...yuck, how could you and whatnot. I had someone return my affections at one point but I backed away in fear of being ridiculed and not really knowing how it would be possible to well be you know, be intimate.

Please keep an open mind and I hope you can help.

Signed Thinks Trolls are sexy

Dear Thinks,
Huh, well I'll admit this is the first time I've had a letter of this nature. But let me see if I can break it down for you.

Troll tusks are actually just like elven teeth except two, sometimes four, of them are extended somtimes up, usually outward. The males of the species have much more to prove and so their tusks are larger and more prominant than the females. As you have already considered, this makes kissing quite an adventure. But fear not! Trolls do not have tusks "down there" and so coupling is quite safe. For some added security you might consider facing away from your beau and bending over an object, like a chair or bed.

I've even heard, though cannot confirm, that a Troll's tusks are actually a sensory tool, like a Narwhale's horn. Thousands of nerve endings, on the outside of the tusks, offers a lady such as yourself a unique way of stimulating her man, er troll! Don't be afraid to experiment with your love making, it's the only way you'll learn what you and your beau like.

As to the rest... haters are gonna hate. There's really not much you can do when someone doesn't share your particular brand of kink. There are plenty of ladies who don't like dwarven men with three toes, but I manage just fine. The trick is to remember that the only opinion that truly matters is yours, and to a lesser extent, your lover's. When someone poo-poos your preferences just smile and make a note not to share with that person again, at least not a topic they find so offensive.

Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer

Advice: Pessimistic and Pretty

Dear Threetoes,
I am in need of some advice on how to tell someone their advice and opinion is not wanted. I have this rather odd stalker. She claims all she wants to do is take me shopping and give me a makeover. To tell you the truth, it’s kind of creepy. She tries to braid my hair and insists I’d look better in a dress, preferrably a pink one. If I leave my hair down, she’ll sneak up on me, pull out a brush and try to ‘fix’ my hair. Forget going to the auction house! If she’s there, she’s trying to pick out clothes for me. My own mother was never this bad!

I’d like a way to politely tell her where to go with this makeover business, hopefully in a non-violent manner. I don’t think her husband would take too kindly to me doing it my way…which would involve my fist meeting her face repeatedly, hopefully while wearing my armor. While that would make me feel better momentarily, I’d rather avoid any nasty entanglements with her group.

Can you please help?
Pretty in Plate
(Yes, I’m a girl.)

Dear Pretty,
it sounds like you might have already tried the first line of defense which is setting a boundary and gently, but firmly, enforcing it. I gather you’re writing to me because you need to take it a step further without committing murder.

So here’s what you do… pick something you’re passionate about and turn it back on your stalker. Are you really into hunting and skinning animals? or have a collection of swords that Varian Wrynn would be jealous of? Use it! Next time your stalker tries to braid your hair and insists you’d look better in a dress turn around and squee and explain, “BLT* I know RIGHT?” Spin your “friend” around and prep HER hair for wear under a helmet. Take her sword arm and height measurements and clap with glee about all the blood and gore she will create with the weapon she simply MUST buy.

At first it might not have the desired effect you want, but stick with it. Eventually she will become as frustrated as you have become now and perhaps even write me a letter asking how to deal with you. Either way she’ll be trying to avoid you, this is when you step back and make a break for it.
Good luck!

Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer

*By the Light. All the teenagers are saying that these days.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Journey: Longing and Loss

I got a letter the other day.

I have been in seclusion for the past days, contemplating my actions. I have come to a realization and have decided to leave Duskwood for a time while I try to come to grips with what I have done.

I write this letter as an apology. I am sorry for what I have done, for the pain I have caused you, and for anything you have felt over my actions.

I never meant to hurt you Kirin. I will miss your company.

Part of me is overjoyed that he's finally realizing his error, but I'm also sad that I'm not able to help him through this. I could be his support, if I knew he was willing to condone, I absolutely could!

Duskwood is getting tense. Another person has gone missing, though this time the claim is that the worgen Miragule is responsible for kidnapping him! I spoke with the victim's sister, Thayett, she is very upset. I convinced her to speak to the Stormwind City Watch, though I'm not sure they'll be able to do anything since it took place in an area they clearly do not support. I was doing my best to be supportive of Thayett but then I learned her brother's name, seems he's the fellow who assaulted me in Stormwind proper.

It's such a small world, so many threads from so many lives and they all seem to be connecting in the oddest ways. I hope that Thayett finds peace. I wouldn't shed a tear if Miragule went to prison. And my heart longs to follow Isiravos, though I have no idea where I would start.

Advice: Decent but Depressed

Dear Threetoes,
The future on the horizon is not one of hope, and it pains me to admit that the promise of peace is long gone. Dark times are drawing near, with no chance for the world to turn from the path her children have chosen. Men in positions of power on both sides have been left unchecked in their dark desires and arrogant ambitions for too long, and by now it is far too late for any of us to beat back the beast they have brought forth.

I speak of war. A war of conquest. A war of survival and supplies, of reclamation and revenge. Gods, glory, gold and all things in-between. A war that I can neither abide nor accept... nor is it a war that I can just sit back idly for or abstain from. I am a social creature. I have friends, family, loved ones; a complex web of interpersonal relationships and interactions that I weave and wrap around myself, and every last thread is threatened by this all consuming conflict that we are building up towards.

My enemies would see those I care about put to the sword or left in shackles, exiled from their homes or tossed into the fire. No matter what, I cannot let this happen. I would not deserve to have them in my life if I could... yet at the same time, my allies would do much the same to those that do not deserve it. Conquer the lands of our enemies and slay any that resist, cut down those that would be doing nothing more than protecting those they care for. There would be nothing just in victory, nothing noble about the domination of those we are at odds with.

I find myself at a crossroads. How can I fight in a war that I cannot afford to lose, yet one that I have no desire to win? A war where either outcome leaves the world left in ruin, her soul scarred as scores of her children are snuffed out, entire societies slain because a select few feel they have the right to decide who deserves life and who does not; that an entire planet is their plaything to do with as they wish? How do I even fight such a war?

Sincerely, A Decent Sentient Being

Dear Decent,
wow... seriously depressing. No seriously, moved to tears!

Have you considered the alternatives? There doesn't have to be a win or lose, there can be a stalemate or a refusal to engage. Your allies commit the same crimes as your enemy does against you, and yet I read nothing in your letter about campaigning to stop them. Does it matter who started the fued? Why don't YOU become the vehicle for change?

Alternatively, pack up your friends and family and move to a less war torn area of Azeroth, maybe Icecrown?

Ideally though if you don't wish to win or lose the war it comes down to stopping it. Would your friends and family help you convince your allies to stop attacks? Do you have the rallying power to draw others to your cause of Peace?

Barring these solutions the best I can suggest is drowing your sorrows each night until you pass out so you can at least get a good night sleep before the next day of warfare.

Harmin "Threetoes" Warhammer