(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)
Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radios and let’s get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, an--
Negragh, deep gravel voice: What the hell was that!? Pag and Nag? I'm not some prancing house wife, imp. What happened to the title 'Grit and Flick'!?
Pagham: This new title rolls off the tongue better.
Negragh: I'll roll something of yours, demon, unless you change the title!
Pagham: Damnit, sit down! We'll talk about the title later. These are precious air seconds we're wasting, you oaf.
Negragh, growling: Bah! I should have retired a few lifetimes ago, look what I'm reduced to, taking orders from a demon. We'll definitely talk about this later... you, me and my fists! Get on with it then!
Pagham: Well, listeners! Let’s pull out our first letter and get this show on the road; looks like we have a fresh pile to dig through. Let's begin. Ready, Naggy-poo?
Sounds of a mic hitting the floor and a loud crash before the radio goes silent for a minute.
Pagham: Seems like I'll be reading our first letter while my Opponent collects himself.
Dear Pag and Nag,
A friend of mine recently said something about me in a group of our friends and acquaintances which hurt me a lot. I am very angry with this friend, but don’t know how to approach the situation without losing my temper and perhaps ruining the friendship. I don’t even know if he’s aware that I’m mad. Please help!
Angry Troll is Angry.
Pagham: It sounds like you are in quiet a social conundrum. Communication in a friendship is like a backbone of a gnome. If its broken, stifled or removed, the gnome *may* survive, but even if he does, he's just a drooling paralyzed mass of wasted drink-serving potential. What I suggest is to approach this friend and issue forth your complaint about his self-centered rumor flinging ways. He is clearly a boob and --
Negragh: Hold on a minute you wordy little demon… the clear course here is violence. A true friend, which I doubt this bloke is, would understand the need to assert oneself physically and sate the temper this troll obviously tries to keep in check. My advice, Angry Troll, is to use a blunt object to the face, this will allow for repair of the friendship after this “kodo in the room” has been taken --
Pagham: Blunt object? My god, I've seen more calculated problem solving in the labratory of Doctor Fetch. This isn't a scenario where force will solve this Angry Troll's issue. The writer *obviously* wishes to keep this friendship on a strong state of dull neutrality. If Angry Troll cannot confront this troublesome oaf with a clear mind, then Angry Troll needs to simply suppress this anger deep within his or her soul. Water under the bridge, with only a small festering mental derangement to pay for it all. But these are not the dark ages. Blunt force is the tool of half-wit meat slaves.
Negragh: Who are you calling a “half wit meat slave” you pathetic waste of space? Let me show you the “suppressed anger deep within my soul”, it’s been festering there for a while and is about to be uncontrollably unleashed on your puny ass. The same thing is happening to Angry Troll. It is best he or she release the pressure of the ulcer by lancing it rather than letting it fester so long it bursts at an embarrassing moment. Take it from me, Angry Troll, give in to your urge for violence in a controlled manner now, before the ability to make sound decisions is taken from you! I’m looking at you, Pagham.
Pagham: Well. I have offered two successful ways of dealing with this problem, Angry Troll. Kind confrontation, or subtle suppression. My Opponent has offered one, which will result in a direct termination of the friendship. Stupid. Take whichever you will, Angry Troll. Just remember one thing: No matter what, there are always more minions to brute into servitude if this one doesn't work out. Good night and good luck!
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