(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)
Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.
Pagham: Alright, listeners. Let's get down to business. Let's see here. Oh. Well, it seems our first letter writer wishes to remain anonymous, despite WRITING HER NAME in the letter. So, instead to laughing at her poor attempt at being smart, I'll just bust out my Hear-No-Evil auto-censor (tm). So she gets her ill deserved privacy. Let's begin.
I am writing to you in secret, so please keep my name out of it as best you can. Let me start by explaining my situation and I hope your discretion will then be able to understand my first request. My name is [BLEEP]. I work deep in the depths of [BLEEP] for the [BLEEP] Queen as a prison [BLEEP] and I [BLEEP] my life! I [BLEEP] the [BLEEP]! She is a tyrannical, manipulative, over-bearing [BLEEP] in the [BLEEP]! Ok, I'm biased because she is my [BLEEP]-in-law, but still! There is no reason for her to...[BLEEP], and then..[BLEEP]...[BLEEP]...
I apologize, I do not need to burden you with the [BLEEP] business. Anyway, here's my [BLEEP]. As I said, I [BLEEP] this[BLEEP]. I [BLEEP] being [BLEEP]. I would rather [BLEEP] these [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] for Durotar to [BLEEP] [BLEEP] than [BLEEP]! But I am unsure how I should go about [BLEEP] to the [BLEEP].
Can you give me some advice? Please?
That's all I really need. Just a place to [BLEEP]. Oh, and if you could thank that nice cat, [BLEEP], for sneaking this out for me, I would [BLEEP] it. I tried asking his [BLEEP] companion,[BLEEP], before he was [BLEEP] by [BLEEP], but I fear it [BLEEP] right over his poor head. He is[BLEEP] easy to [BLEEP], I admit, but...
I hope this reaches you and you can point me in the [BLEEP] I need to [BLEEP] my life! Any help is [BLEEP] Thanks. [BLEEP], the [BLEEP] Prison [BLEEP]
Pagham: Well, [BLEEP], it sounds like [BLEEP] needs to understand [BLEEP] [BLEEP], that despite your race, you need to [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] sounds like a fine orc, and its my opinion you need to [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] to get your message to [BLEEP], after [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] so they can [BLEEP][BLEEP][BLEEP]. [BLEEP] is a bad place to begin.
All in all, I think [BLEEP] is a good start. I'm impressed by your bravery, even though its weighted down by bad forethought. Perhaps I can give your message to [BLEEP]. I know that crazy, glassy eyed bloke.
What say you, [BLEEP]? Wait... why is it censoring [BLEEP]? [BLEEP] is a swear word? HA! My opponent's name is censored! [BLEEP][BLEEP][BLEEP]!!!
Negragh: Wait what? [BLEEP]? MY [BLEEP]?? What is that half[BLEEP] doing [BLEEP] with [BLEEP]?! And no, [BLEEP], you’re not passing on the message to [BLEEP].. .WOULD YOU STOP BLEEPING BLEEPING ME!? That [BLEEP] [BLEEP] has enough on his [BLEEP] without [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] Frankenstein.
I, for one, [BLEEP] can’t [BLEEP] you’d give this kind of [BLEEP]… or any [BLEEP] really, [BLEEP] [BLEEP] Naga. [BLEEP] sounds like a [BLEEP], [BLEEP] spy, she [BLEEP] be [BLEEP] in.. (haha, get it?[BLEEP]?) and shot.
Pagham: Alright, [BLEEP]. You need to let go of the... [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] needs to find his own [BLEEP], and not hold your [BLEEP] [BLEEP] forever. Stop being a [BLEEP][BLEEP] old [BLEEP] orc and [BLEEP] a [BLEEP][BLEEP] until [BLEEP]. Love isn't [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
As for you, [BLEEP], ignore what [BLEEP] says and [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] is the most important thing to do. [BLEEP] and [BLEEP], or else you'll [BLEEP] find [BLEEP]. I'd suggest [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] this device is swirl! Oh, I'm bringing back [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] a [BLEEP] word. [BLEEP] yeah.
Negragh: Here’s some advice for you, Hulash. Karnig’s married. And his wife is expecting a baby. So back off.
Pagham: Hwhooooah!! Oh. Oh damn. The censor ran out of batteries. Uhm. That's an awkward time for it to die. Well! ...mysterious writer who's name wasn't just mentioned... I think under this new revelation you should just get back to your smelly mines and whips. I mean... bloooop.
Leeeet's.... cut it there, Ted. Thank's for listening folks!!
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