(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)
Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.
Negragh, deep gravel voice: What is this illiterate crap. Hey... hey you, sound guy, come here and read this for me.
Sound Guy, thick troll accent: I am a troll dat tends to hang around ogrimmar, and i see many of de ladies travel around, and ah always politely compliment dese ladies when i can. udda people be bashin meh appriciation of de female form. ah have tried ta explain im just complimentin meh, but im getting a bad reputation of being a traitor to mah race.
Eeets not dat, i just realize dat all de ladies is beautiful, an sometimes dey like hearin it. Is dat so wrong?
Tanks
From,
Ah jus like em all
Negragh: Well, AJLM, I can understand the sentiment you’re getting. Apples stick with apples and oranges with oranges, none of this fruit punch crap in Orgrimmar. Stop hounding the hot orc women and make due with what you’ve got.
*Exclamation of disgust and protest, probably from the sound guy*
Pagham: You know what I hate? People who discriminate others based on race. And stuck up old orcs. I can understand that you predate the Dark Horde, and must have a startling fear of anything that isn't green and drooling, but c'mon! The best looking creatures are always half breeds! Have you SEEN half-demon-half-elfie girls? That gets my felflame goin' hotter then Ragnaros' steam room.
As for AJLM, haters gunna hate. They are inferior male specimens that must bash at your venturous dash into the exotic. Ignore them, I say, and find what you really want, not what Orgrimmar's dotting veteran's parade tells you to want. Also, I strongly suggest looking into the Demoniacally inclined women folk for courting.
Negragh: What the hell do you know about sex you little asexual pip… don’t imps reproduce by regurgitating eggs or something? AJLM don’t buy into my opponent’s tactics of insulting the other person to make yourself feel bigger. If you need advice on how best to bite off a baby’s head without messing up your ritual robes of demonic torture, ask my teeny companion here. If you want good advice on love, lust or anything carnal… talk to me. I don’t think he’s even got the right bits to have sex.
Stick to your kind and admire the rest from afar and if someone calls you on your comments, either get a spine and tell them to stuff it, or shut up before they de-spine you. Just… keep your hands to yourself and your own kind.
Pagham: First of all, your image of how my people reproduce is a vicious, semi-false colorization! Regurgitating eggs is a very intimate, personal matter. Stupid orc. Just because I don't fling my DNA around like you apes-in-heat doesn't make my noble race's methods of survival and reproduction any less valid.
I'm done with this letter! AJLM, put bluntly, if you stop flirting with every female you see, regardless of race, you're a damn coward and a sheep under Negragh's craggy old-man grasp. Be a romantic rebel! Give praise and innuendo-engorged flirts to EVERY SINGLE female creature you meet! DOWN WITH TYRANY!
*The sounds of a sharp static crack is heard momentarily before the radio goes silent*
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