Dear Threetoes,
I have seemingly reattained a biological function and emotional response I have long thought I had bereaved. I have become physically attracted to another gnome! To be clear, there are three that actually fascinate my renewed biological faculty, but only one that gives me pause and encourages my reverie.
The complication is that I am advanced in age, rather set in my ways, and unfamiliar with current courting rituals or such customs. How might I articulate my solicitation to this particular gnome that I find her physical beauty far superior to any ephemeral being that I have witnessed in my long days, and that I would like to cultivate a more parallel affiliation with her....and avoiding the representation of a cad?
Truly,
Renewed Gnomeregard
Dear Renewed,
There's always the juvenile approach of having a friend ask her of her interest and hint at yours, but I'm more of a "shoot from the hip" fellow myself. I gather the both of us are on in years , which means time is short! Stop being a coward and worrying about being labeled a cad. If expressing your desire to couple with a beautiful woman makes you a cad, then well... no man is safe from the title.
Unless the lady is married or engaged, ask her out for something "safe" like coffee or mead. While chatting with her she may notice your distraction as you build up the courange to say your bit. Don't open with an apology, you're not sorry you find her beautiful, don't be sorry that you find that beauty attractive. You could, however, open with "I'm not sure there's a way to say this, with my advanced age, that doesn't make me come across like a cad... so I shall just out and say it," then drive it home, "I think you're hot. And I'd love to find out just how hot."
I'm sure that'll work for you... it's much more "to the point" than you appear to be normally.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
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