Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Hear No Evil

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.

Pagham: Alright, listeners. Let's get down to business. Let's see here. Oh. Well, it seems our first letter writer wishes to remain anonymous, despite WRITING HER NAME in the letter. So, instead to laughing at her poor attempt at being smart, I'll just bust out my Hear-No-Evil auto-censor (tm). So she gets her ill deserved privacy. Let's begin.

I am writing to you in secret, so please keep my name out of it as best you can. Let me start by explaining my situation and I hope your discretion will then be able to understand my first request. My name is [BLEEP]. I work deep in the depths of [BLEEP] for the [BLEEP] Queen as a prison [BLEEP] and I [BLEEP] my life! I [BLEEP] the [BLEEP]! She is a tyrannical, manipulative, over-bearing [BLEEP] in the [BLEEP]! Ok, I'm biased because she is my [BLEEP]-in-law, but still! There is no reason for her to...[BLEEP], and then..[BLEEP]...[BLEEP]...

I apologize, I do not need to burden you with the [BLEEP] business. Anyway, here's my [BLEEP]. As I said, I [BLEEP] this[BLEEP]. I [BLEEP] being [BLEEP]. I would rather [BLEEP] these [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] for Durotar to [BLEEP] [BLEEP] than [BLEEP]! But I am unsure how I should go about [BLEEP] to the [BLEEP].

Can you give me some advice? Please?

That's all I really need. Just a place to [BLEEP]. Oh, and if you could thank that nice cat, [BLEEP], for sneaking this out for me, I would [BLEEP] it. I tried asking his [BLEEP] companion,[BLEEP], before he was [BLEEP] by [BLEEP], but I fear it [BLEEP] right over his poor head. He is[BLEEP] easy to [BLEEP], I admit, but...

I hope this reaches you and you can point me in the [BLEEP] I need to [BLEEP] my life! Any help is [BLEEP] Thanks. [BLEEP], the [BLEEP] Prison [BLEEP]

Pagham: Well, [BLEEP], it sounds like [BLEEP] needs to understand [BLEEP] [BLEEP], that despite your race, you need to [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] sounds like a fine orc, and its my opinion you need to [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] to get your message to [BLEEP], after [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] so they can [BLEEP][BLEEP][BLEEP]. [BLEEP] is a bad place to begin.

All in all, I think [BLEEP] is a good start. I'm impressed by your bravery, even though its weighted down by bad forethought. Perhaps I can give your message to [BLEEP]. I know that crazy, glassy eyed bloke.

What say you, [BLEEP]? Wait... why is it censoring [BLEEP]? [BLEEP] is a swear word? HA! My opponent's name is censored! [BLEEP][BLEEP][BLEEP]!!!

Negragh: Wait what? [BLEEP]? MY [BLEEP]?? What is that half[BLEEP] doing [BLEEP] with [BLEEP]?! And no, [BLEEP], you’re not passing on the message to [BLEEP].. .WOULD YOU STOP BLEEPING BLEEPING ME!? That [BLEEP] [BLEEP] has enough on his [BLEEP] without [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] Frankenstein.

I, for one, [BLEEP] can’t [BLEEP] you’d give this kind of [BLEEP]… or any [BLEEP] really, [BLEEP] [BLEEP] Naga. [BLEEP] sounds like a [BLEEP], [BLEEP] spy, she [BLEEP] be [BLEEP] in.. (haha, get it?[BLEEP]?) and shot.

Pagham: Alright, [BLEEP]. You need to let go of the... [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] needs to find his own [BLEEP], and not hold your [BLEEP] [BLEEP] forever. Stop being a [BLEEP][BLEEP] old [BLEEP] orc and [BLEEP] a [BLEEP][BLEEP] until [BLEEP]. Love isn't [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

As for you, [BLEEP], ignore what [BLEEP] says and [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] is the most important thing to do. [BLEEP] and [BLEEP], or else you'll [BLEEP] find [BLEEP]. I'd suggest [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] this device is swirl! Oh, I'm bringing back [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] a [BLEEP] word. [BLEEP] yeah.

Negragh: Here’s some advice for you, Hulash. Karnig’s married. And his wife is expecting a baby. So back off.

Pagham: Hwhooooah!! Oh. Oh damn. The censor ran out of batteries. Uhm. That's an awkward time for it to die. Well! ...mysterious writer who's name wasn't just mentioned... I think under this new revelation you should just get back to your smelly mines and whips. I mean... bloooop.

Leeeet's.... cut it there, Ted. Thank's for listening folks!!

Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Share the Love

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.

Negragh, deep gravel voice: What is this illiterate crap. Hey... hey you, sound guy, come here and read this for me.

Sound Guy, thick troll accent: I am a troll dat tends to hang around ogrimmar, and i see many of de ladies travel around, and ah always politely compliment dese ladies when i can. udda people be bashin meh appriciation of de female form. ah have tried ta explain im just complimentin meh, but im getting a bad reputation of being a traitor to mah race.

Eeets not dat, i just realize dat all de ladies is beautiful, an sometimes dey like hearin it. Is dat so wrong?

Tanks

From,
Ah jus like em all

Negragh: Well, AJLM, I can understand the sentiment you’re getting. Apples stick with apples and oranges with oranges, none of this fruit punch crap in Orgrimmar. Stop hounding the hot orc women and make due with what you’ve got.

*Exclamation of disgust and protest, probably from the sound guy*

Pagham: You know what I hate? People who discriminate others based on race. And stuck up old orcs. I can understand that you predate the Dark Horde, and must have a startling fear of anything that isn't green and drooling, but c'mon! The best looking creatures are always half breeds! Have you SEEN half-demon-half-elfie girls? That gets my felflame goin' hotter then Ragnaros' steam room.

As for AJLM, haters gunna hate. They are inferior male specimens that must bash at your venturous dash into the exotic. Ignore them, I say, and find what you really want, not what Orgrimmar's dotting veteran's parade tells you to want. Also, I strongly suggest looking into the Demoniacally inclined women folk for courting.

Negragh: What the hell do you know about sex you little asexual pip… don’t imps reproduce by regurgitating eggs or something? AJLM don’t buy into my opponent’s tactics of insulting the other person to make yourself feel bigger. If you need advice on how best to bite off a baby’s head without messing up your ritual robes of demonic torture, ask my teeny companion here. If you want good advice on love, lust or anything carnal… talk to me. I don’t think he’s even got the right bits to have sex.

Stick to your kind and admire the rest from afar and if someone calls you on your comments, either get a spine and tell them to stuff it, or shut up before they de-spine you. Just… keep your hands to yourself and your own kind.

Pagham: First of all, your image of how my people reproduce is a vicious, semi-false colorization! Regurgitating eggs is a very intimate, personal matter. Stupid orc. Just because I don't fling my DNA around like you apes-in-heat doesn't make my noble race's methods of survival and reproduction any less valid.

I'm done with this letter! AJLM, put bluntly, if you stop flirting with every female you see, regardless of race, you're a damn coward and a sheep under Negragh's craggy old-man grasp. Be a romantic rebel! Give praise and innuendo-engorged flirts to EVERY SINGLE female creature you meet! DOWN WITH TYRANY!

*The sounds of a sharp static crack is heard momentarily before the radio goes silent*

Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Thunder Bluff Conservative

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.

Pagham: Dear Pag and Nag, My warlock friend, who I like spending time with, chooses to hang out with his succubus most of the time. I can’t for the life of me feel comfortable in her presence – the sexual innuendo, the inappropriate attire – all make me feel awkward. Maybe if I was a male I’d feel differently, I don’t know. Anyhow, is there a way I can bring this issue up with my friend without hurting anyone’s feelings? Thunder Bluff Conservative

Negragh, deep gravel voice: What? Are you serious? If you think a succubus is bad you should see some of the indecent demons we were fighting with back in the second war. But fine, I get it, you’ve led a sheltered life and hardly had to leave your little valley to show your face to the rest of the world, the world that’s fighting to keep you safe from greater evils than some skanky enslaved demon. First of all, warlocks don’t have souls so they can’t have feelings.

Tell your friend straight up that he needs to keep his whore out of your sight. Don’t bother adding an “or” on there, if you’re bothered by the sight of naked flesh I doubt anything you’d threaten would really alarm the warlock. And, barring that, start punching the demon any time she slaps that whip most of em carry. Your friend will understand.

Pagham: This is incredible. My opponents advice its simply bedazzling. First off, TBC, is you need to understand that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than a curvy, leather-bound succubus chika. They inspire the great poets and sculptures. You need to understand that Mulgore is backwater, and unless you want to be scene as 'that narrow minded' person, you need to accept the wonders of a succubus for what they are.

Don't tell the warlock to remove her. Why would you ask a florist to remove a rose, simply because you're dead inside? Instead, bask in the rose, mimic the rose. Dress as she does and slap your tauren booty to get attention. I, myself, would love to see more open minded tauren babes struttin' their stuff.

I do agree on the point of beating the warlock, however. They themselves are bad, stupid, and pointless people. Oh, so, very pointless.

Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Angry Troll is Angry

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radios and let’s get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, an--

Negragh, deep gravel voice: What the hell was that!? Pag and Nag? I'm not some prancing house wife, imp. What happened to the title 'Grit and Flick'!?

Pagham: This new title rolls off the tongue better.

Negragh: I'll roll something of yours, demon, unless you change the title!

Pagham: Damnit, sit down! We'll talk about the title later. These are precious air seconds we're wasting, you oaf.

Negragh, growling: Bah! I should have retired a few lifetimes ago, look what I'm reduced to, taking orders from a demon. We'll definitely talk about this later... you, me and my fists! Get on with it then!

Pagham: Well, listeners! Let’s pull out our first letter and get this show on the road; looks like we have a fresh pile to dig through. Let's begin. Ready, Naggy-poo?

Sounds of a mic hitting the floor and a loud crash before the radio goes silent for a minute.

Pagham: Seems like I'll be reading our first letter while my Opponent collects himself.

Dear Pag and Nag,

A friend of mine recently said something about me in a group of our friends and acquaintances which hurt me a lot. I am very angry with this friend, but don’t know how to approach the situation without losing my temper and perhaps ruining the friendship. I don’t even know if he’s aware that I’m mad. Please help!

Angry Troll is Angry.

Pagham: It sounds like you are in quiet a social conundrum. Communication in a friendship is like a backbone of a gnome. If its broken, stifled or removed, the gnome *may* survive, but even if he does, he's just a drooling paralyzed mass of wasted drink-serving potential. What I suggest is to approach this friend and issue forth your complaint about his self-centered rumor flinging ways. He is clearly a boob and --

Negragh: Hold on a minute you wordy little demon… the clear course here is violence. A true friend, which I doubt this bloke is, would understand the need to assert oneself physically and sate the temper this troll obviously tries to keep in check. My advice, Angry Troll, is to use a blunt object to the face, this will allow for repair of the friendship after this “kodo in the room” has been taken --

Pagham: Blunt object? My god, I've seen more calculated problem solving in the labratory of Doctor Fetch. This isn't a scenario where force will solve this Angry Troll's issue. The writer *obviously* wishes to keep this friendship on a strong state of dull neutrality. If Angry Troll cannot confront this troublesome oaf with a clear mind, then Angry Troll needs to simply suppress this anger deep within his or her soul. Water under the bridge, with only a small festering mental derangement to pay for it all. But these are not the dark ages. Blunt force is the tool of half-wit meat slaves.

Negragh: Who are you calling a “half wit meat slave” you pathetic waste of space? Let me show you the “suppressed anger deep within my soul”, it’s been festering there for a while and is about to be uncontrollably unleashed on your puny ass. The same thing is happening to Angry Troll. It is best he or she release the pressure of the ulcer by lancing it rather than letting it fester so long it bursts at an embarrassing moment. Take it from me, Angry Troll, give in to your urge for violence in a controlled manner now, before the ability to make sound decisions is taken from you! I’m looking at you, Pagham.

Pagham: Well. I have offered two successful ways of dealing with this problem, Angry Troll. Kind confrontation, or subtle suppression. My Opponent has offered one, which will result in a direct termination of the friendship. Stupid. Take whichever you will, Angry Troll. Just remember one thing: No matter what, there are always more minions to brute into servitude if this one doesn't work out. Good night and good luck!