Dear Threetoes,
I seem to have a problem with discipline among my troops, in particular, when it has to do with waiting to heal fully or not running off and getting themselves killed on an impulse. It’s like they don’t like living very much!
How do I convince them to calm down and pay more attention to their own health and safety?
From,
Aggravated Commander
Dear Commander,
When I was assigned ████████ ████████████ Gnomeregan Regiment, I was privy to an experiment ███████ ██████ ███████████ ████████. As with most Gnomish experiments ███████ ██████████ ███████. Perhaps you could ███████████ ██████ ████████████ ███████ or ███████ █████████ ████████ but you might be better off with █████ ████ ██████ ██ ███████████ ██████████ ████████ █████████ █ instead. Either way, ██ █████ ██████ ███████ ████ ██████ ███████ ███ █████ ███ ██████ █████ █████!
My contact with the regiment was ████████ ████████ and ████ said that the ███████ █████ ███████ █████ ████ ████ course ████ could be making it all up, Gnomes are █████ ████████ ████████ ███████ ██████ ██████ ████.
Alternatively you could try █████ ██████ ████ ██ ████████ ████████████ ████████ ██████████ █████████ ████. ███ ██████ ████ ████ ████ ███████ █████ ███████ ███████ █████…████ ███████ ████████ █████████ ████. Or, ██████ █ █████ ██████ ████ ███████ █████ ██████ ███ █████████ █████ ████ ██████ ████ ██████ ████ █████ ███████ ███ with a ██████ █████ ████ ██████ ███. But your milage may vary.
I wish you the best of luck!
Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer
- This document has been cleared for release by the security division of the Gnomeregan Unusually Elite Secret Service.
Showing posts with label Toon: Threetoes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Toon: Threetoes. Show all posts
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Advice: Willing Whomper
Dear Threetoes,
Greetin's! I've a question fer ye. What do ye think o' Death Knights? I want t' see 'em killed off now that the Lich King is dead, but the human king says they be members o' the Alliance now. There are e'en a few in me guild!
They act polite enough, but I can see 'em lookin' at me sometimes, and I'm sure they're thinkin' about how t' properly disembowel me or somethin' nasty like that. Can they change? Or will they always be murderous, hateful critters?
Respectfully,
Wants t' whomp 'em first.
Dear Whomp 'em,
It doesn't really matter what I think of Death Knights. It doesn't even matter what the leaders of the Alliance think of Death Knights. Nope, the only thing that matters right now is what you think of Death Knights.
I'm hesitant to feed into your obvious need to lump all of one type of people into one category. All dwarves are drunks; all gnomes are inventors; all men (of any species) are pigs; all women (of any species) prefer frilly things to plate; all... well you get my point. If one or several particular Death Knights are looking at you like they want to disembowel you, treat that situation individually. Imagine they are a warrior and approach based on all your other bias instead of with the Death Knight bias in the forefront.
Me, personally, if someone is glowering at me I either ignore it or glower right back. I'm pretty good at glowering, especially if I've been drinking. Typically if the one glowering at me has ill intention then me glowering back triggers an escalation. That's when I, or in this case you, takes things outside.
For your own peace of mind I strongly suggest you consider checking your prejudice and reevaluate your motivations. You call all Death Knights murderous, hateful critters, but you're the one writing into an advice column and signing it "Wants t'whomp 'em first."
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Greetin's! I've a question fer ye. What do ye think o' Death Knights? I want t' see 'em killed off now that the Lich King is dead, but the human king says they be members o' the Alliance now. There are e'en a few in me guild!
They act polite enough, but I can see 'em lookin' at me sometimes, and I'm sure they're thinkin' about how t' properly disembowel me or somethin' nasty like that. Can they change? Or will they always be murderous, hateful critters?
Respectfully,
Wants t' whomp 'em first.
Dear Whomp 'em,
It doesn't really matter what I think of Death Knights. It doesn't even matter what the leaders of the Alliance think of Death Knights. Nope, the only thing that matters right now is what you think of Death Knights.
I'm hesitant to feed into your obvious need to lump all of one type of people into one category. All dwarves are drunks; all gnomes are inventors; all men (of any species) are pigs; all women (of any species) prefer frilly things to plate; all... well you get my point. If one or several particular Death Knights are looking at you like they want to disembowel you, treat that situation individually. Imagine they are a warrior and approach based on all your other bias instead of with the Death Knight bias in the forefront.
Me, personally, if someone is glowering at me I either ignore it or glower right back. I'm pretty good at glowering, especially if I've been drinking. Typically if the one glowering at me has ill intention then me glowering back triggers an escalation. That's when I, or in this case you, takes things outside.
For your own peace of mind I strongly suggest you consider checking your prejudice and reevaluate your motivations. You call all Death Knights murderous, hateful critters, but you're the one writing into an advice column and signing it "Wants t'whomp 'em first."
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Monday, April 30, 2012
Advice: Tantalizing Trolls
Dear Threetoes,
I must confess that this is a subject that turns me bright red just to think about it. I need advice on well...interracial dating. My problem is that I can't help finding trolls attractive and being a petite elf you can see how some things could be well...hard to accomplish. I mean look at some of those tusks!
Plus there is the fact that when I say anything about it in public I get a bunch of ewwww...yuck, how could you and whatnot. I had someone return my affections at one point but I backed away in fear of being ridiculed and not really knowing how it would be possible to well be you know, be intimate.
Please keep an open mind and I hope you can help.
Signed Thinks Trolls are sexy
Dear Thinks,
Huh, well I'll admit this is the first time I've had a letter of this nature. But let me see if I can break it down for you.
Troll tusks are actually just like elven teeth except two, sometimes four, of them are extended somtimes up, usually outward. The males of the species have much more to prove and so their tusks are larger and more prominant than the females. As you have already considered, this makes kissing quite an adventure. But fear not! Trolls do not have tusks "down there" and so coupling is quite safe. For some added security you might consider facing away from your beau and bending over an object, like a chair or bed.
I've even heard, though cannot confirm, that a Troll's tusks are actually a sensory tool, like a Narwhale's horn. Thousands of nerve endings, on the outside of the tusks, offers a lady such as yourself a unique way of stimulating her man, er troll! Don't be afraid to experiment with your love making, it's the only way you'll learn what you and your beau like.
As to the rest... haters are gonna hate. There's really not much you can do when someone doesn't share your particular brand of kink. There are plenty of ladies who don't like dwarven men with three toes, but I manage just fine. The trick is to remember that the only opinion that truly matters is yours, and to a lesser extent, your lover's. When someone poo-poos your preferences just smile and make a note not to share with that person again, at least not a topic they find so offensive.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I must confess that this is a subject that turns me bright red just to think about it. I need advice on well...interracial dating. My problem is that I can't help finding trolls attractive and being a petite elf you can see how some things could be well...hard to accomplish. I mean look at some of those tusks!
Plus there is the fact that when I say anything about it in public I get a bunch of ewwww...yuck, how could you and whatnot. I had someone return my affections at one point but I backed away in fear of being ridiculed and not really knowing how it would be possible to well be you know, be intimate.
Please keep an open mind and I hope you can help.
Signed Thinks Trolls are sexy
Dear Thinks,
Huh, well I'll admit this is the first time I've had a letter of this nature. But let me see if I can break it down for you.
Troll tusks are actually just like elven teeth except two, sometimes four, of them are extended somtimes up, usually outward. The males of the species have much more to prove and so their tusks are larger and more prominant than the females. As you have already considered, this makes kissing quite an adventure. But fear not! Trolls do not have tusks "down there" and so coupling is quite safe. For some added security you might consider facing away from your beau and bending over an object, like a chair or bed.
I've even heard, though cannot confirm, that a Troll's tusks are actually a sensory tool, like a Narwhale's horn. Thousands of nerve endings, on the outside of the tusks, offers a lady such as yourself a unique way of stimulating her man, er troll! Don't be afraid to experiment with your love making, it's the only way you'll learn what you and your beau like.
As to the rest... haters are gonna hate. There's really not much you can do when someone doesn't share your particular brand of kink. There are plenty of ladies who don't like dwarven men with three toes, but I manage just fine. The trick is to remember that the only opinion that truly matters is yours, and to a lesser extent, your lover's. When someone poo-poos your preferences just smile and make a note not to share with that person again, at least not a topic they find so offensive.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Advice: Pessimistic and Pretty
Dear Threetoes,
I am in need of some advice on how to tell someone their advice and opinion is not wanted. I have this rather odd stalker. She claims all she wants to do is take me shopping and give me a makeover. To tell you the truth, it’s kind of creepy. She tries to braid my hair and insists I’d look better in a dress, preferrably a pink one. If I leave my hair down, she’ll sneak up on me, pull out a brush and try to ‘fix’ my hair. Forget going to the auction house! If she’s there, she’s trying to pick out clothes for me. My own mother was never this bad!
I’d like a way to politely tell her where to go with this makeover business, hopefully in a non-violent manner. I don’t think her husband would take too kindly to me doing it my way…which would involve my fist meeting her face repeatedly, hopefully while wearing my armor. While that would make me feel better momentarily, I’d rather avoid any nasty entanglements with her group.
Can you please help?
Pretty in Plate
(Yes, I’m a girl.)
Dear Pretty,
it sounds like you might have already tried the first line of defense which is setting a boundary and gently, but firmly, enforcing it. I gather you’re writing to me because you need to take it a step further without committing murder.
So here’s what you do… pick something you’re passionate about and turn it back on your stalker. Are you really into hunting and skinning animals? or have a collection of swords that Varian Wrynn would be jealous of? Use it! Next time your stalker tries to braid your hair and insists you’d look better in a dress turn around and squee and explain, “BLT* I know RIGHT?” Spin your “friend” around and prep HER hair for wear under a helmet. Take her sword arm and height measurements and clap with glee about all the blood and gore she will create with the weapon she simply MUST buy.
At first it might not have the desired effect you want, but stick with it. Eventually she will become as frustrated as you have become now and perhaps even write me a letter asking how to deal with you. Either way she’ll be trying to avoid you, this is when you step back and make a break for it.
Good luck!
Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer
*By the Light. All the teenagers are saying that these days.
I am in need of some advice on how to tell someone their advice and opinion is not wanted. I have this rather odd stalker. She claims all she wants to do is take me shopping and give me a makeover. To tell you the truth, it’s kind of creepy. She tries to braid my hair and insists I’d look better in a dress, preferrably a pink one. If I leave my hair down, she’ll sneak up on me, pull out a brush and try to ‘fix’ my hair. Forget going to the auction house! If she’s there, she’s trying to pick out clothes for me. My own mother was never this bad!
I’d like a way to politely tell her where to go with this makeover business, hopefully in a non-violent manner. I don’t think her husband would take too kindly to me doing it my way…which would involve my fist meeting her face repeatedly, hopefully while wearing my armor. While that would make me feel better momentarily, I’d rather avoid any nasty entanglements with her group.
Can you please help?
Pretty in Plate
(Yes, I’m a girl.)
Dear Pretty,
it sounds like you might have already tried the first line of defense which is setting a boundary and gently, but firmly, enforcing it. I gather you’re writing to me because you need to take it a step further without committing murder.
So here’s what you do… pick something you’re passionate about and turn it back on your stalker. Are you really into hunting and skinning animals? or have a collection of swords that Varian Wrynn would be jealous of? Use it! Next time your stalker tries to braid your hair and insists you’d look better in a dress turn around and squee and explain, “BLT* I know RIGHT?” Spin your “friend” around and prep HER hair for wear under a helmet. Take her sword arm and height measurements and clap with glee about all the blood and gore she will create with the weapon she simply MUST buy.
At first it might not have the desired effect you want, but stick with it. Eventually she will become as frustrated as you have become now and perhaps even write me a letter asking how to deal with you. Either way she’ll be trying to avoid you, this is when you step back and make a break for it.
Good luck!
Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer
*By the Light. All the teenagers are saying that these days.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Advice: Decent but Depressed
Dear Threetoes,
The future on the horizon is not one of hope, and it pains me to admit that the promise of peace is long gone. Dark times are drawing near, with no chance for the world to turn from the path her children have chosen. Men in positions of power on both sides have been left unchecked in their dark desires and arrogant ambitions for too long, and by now it is far too late for any of us to beat back the beast they have brought forth.
I speak of war. A war of conquest. A war of survival and supplies, of reclamation and revenge. Gods, glory, gold and all things in-between. A war that I can neither abide nor accept... nor is it a war that I can just sit back idly for or abstain from. I am a social creature. I have friends, family, loved ones; a complex web of interpersonal relationships and interactions that I weave and wrap around myself, and every last thread is threatened by this all consuming conflict that we are building up towards.
My enemies would see those I care about put to the sword or left in shackles, exiled from their homes or tossed into the fire. No matter what, I cannot let this happen. I would not deserve to have them in my life if I could... yet at the same time, my allies would do much the same to those that do not deserve it. Conquer the lands of our enemies and slay any that resist, cut down those that would be doing nothing more than protecting those they care for. There would be nothing just in victory, nothing noble about the domination of those we are at odds with.
I find myself at a crossroads. How can I fight in a war that I cannot afford to lose, yet one that I have no desire to win? A war where either outcome leaves the world left in ruin, her soul scarred as scores of her children are snuffed out, entire societies slain because a select few feel they have the right to decide who deserves life and who does not; that an entire planet is their plaything to do with as they wish? How do I even fight such a war?
Sincerely, A Decent Sentient Being
Dear Decent,
wow... seriously depressing. No seriously, moved to tears!
Have you considered the alternatives? There doesn't have to be a win or lose, there can be a stalemate or a refusal to engage. Your allies commit the same crimes as your enemy does against you, and yet I read nothing in your letter about campaigning to stop them. Does it matter who started the fued? Why don't YOU become the vehicle for change?
Alternatively, pack up your friends and family and move to a less war torn area of Azeroth, maybe Icecrown?
Ideally though if you don't wish to win or lose the war it comes down to stopping it. Would your friends and family help you convince your allies to stop attacks? Do you have the rallying power to draw others to your cause of Peace?
Barring these solutions the best I can suggest is drowing your sorrows each night until you pass out so you can at least get a good night sleep before the next day of warfare.
Harmin "Threetoes" Warhammer
The future on the horizon is not one of hope, and it pains me to admit that the promise of peace is long gone. Dark times are drawing near, with no chance for the world to turn from the path her children have chosen. Men in positions of power on both sides have been left unchecked in their dark desires and arrogant ambitions for too long, and by now it is far too late for any of us to beat back the beast they have brought forth.
I speak of war. A war of conquest. A war of survival and supplies, of reclamation and revenge. Gods, glory, gold and all things in-between. A war that I can neither abide nor accept... nor is it a war that I can just sit back idly for or abstain from. I am a social creature. I have friends, family, loved ones; a complex web of interpersonal relationships and interactions that I weave and wrap around myself, and every last thread is threatened by this all consuming conflict that we are building up towards.
My enemies would see those I care about put to the sword or left in shackles, exiled from their homes or tossed into the fire. No matter what, I cannot let this happen. I would not deserve to have them in my life if I could... yet at the same time, my allies would do much the same to those that do not deserve it. Conquer the lands of our enemies and slay any that resist, cut down those that would be doing nothing more than protecting those they care for. There would be nothing just in victory, nothing noble about the domination of those we are at odds with.
I find myself at a crossroads. How can I fight in a war that I cannot afford to lose, yet one that I have no desire to win? A war where either outcome leaves the world left in ruin, her soul scarred as scores of her children are snuffed out, entire societies slain because a select few feel they have the right to decide who deserves life and who does not; that an entire planet is their plaything to do with as they wish? How do I even fight such a war?
Sincerely, A Decent Sentient Being
Dear Decent,
wow... seriously depressing. No seriously, moved to tears!
Have you considered the alternatives? There doesn't have to be a win or lose, there can be a stalemate or a refusal to engage. Your allies commit the same crimes as your enemy does against you, and yet I read nothing in your letter about campaigning to stop them. Does it matter who started the fued? Why don't YOU become the vehicle for change?
Alternatively, pack up your friends and family and move to a less war torn area of Azeroth, maybe Icecrown?
Ideally though if you don't wish to win or lose the war it comes down to stopping it. Would your friends and family help you convince your allies to stop attacks? Do you have the rallying power to draw others to your cause of Peace?
Barring these solutions the best I can suggest is drowing your sorrows each night until you pass out so you can at least get a good night sleep before the next day of warfare.
Harmin "Threetoes" Warhammer
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Advice: (G)Naughty Gnomeregard
Dear Threetoes,
I have seemingly reattained a biological function and emotional response I have long thought I had bereaved. I have become physically attracted to another gnome! To be clear, there are three that actually fascinate my renewed biological faculty, but only one that gives me pause and encourages my reverie.
The complication is that I am advanced in age, rather set in my ways, and unfamiliar with current courting rituals or such customs. How might I articulate my solicitation to this particular gnome that I find her physical beauty far superior to any ephemeral being that I have witnessed in my long days, and that I would like to cultivate a more parallel affiliation with her....and avoiding the representation of a cad?
Truly,
Renewed Gnomeregard
Dear Renewed,
There's always the juvenile approach of having a friend ask her of her interest and hint at yours, but I'm more of a "shoot from the hip" fellow myself. I gather the both of us are on in years , which means time is short! Stop being a coward and worrying about being labeled a cad. If expressing your desire to couple with a beautiful woman makes you a cad, then well... no man is safe from the title.
Unless the lady is married or engaged, ask her out for something "safe" like coffee or mead. While chatting with her she may notice your distraction as you build up the courange to say your bit. Don't open with an apology, you're not sorry you find her beautiful, don't be sorry that you find that beauty attractive. You could, however, open with "I'm not sure there's a way to say this, with my advanced age, that doesn't make me come across like a cad... so I shall just out and say it," then drive it home, "I think you're hot. And I'd love to find out just how hot."
I'm sure that'll work for you... it's much more "to the point" than you appear to be normally.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I have seemingly reattained a biological function and emotional response I have long thought I had bereaved. I have become physically attracted to another gnome! To be clear, there are three that actually fascinate my renewed biological faculty, but only one that gives me pause and encourages my reverie.
The complication is that I am advanced in age, rather set in my ways, and unfamiliar with current courting rituals or such customs. How might I articulate my solicitation to this particular gnome that I find her physical beauty far superior to any ephemeral being that I have witnessed in my long days, and that I would like to cultivate a more parallel affiliation with her....and avoiding the representation of a cad?
Truly,
Renewed Gnomeregard
Dear Renewed,
There's always the juvenile approach of having a friend ask her of her interest and hint at yours, but I'm more of a "shoot from the hip" fellow myself. I gather the both of us are on in years , which means time is short! Stop being a coward and worrying about being labeled a cad. If expressing your desire to couple with a beautiful woman makes you a cad, then well... no man is safe from the title.
Unless the lady is married or engaged, ask her out for something "safe" like coffee or mead. While chatting with her she may notice your distraction as you build up the courange to say your bit. Don't open with an apology, you're not sorry you find her beautiful, don't be sorry that you find that beauty attractive. You could, however, open with "I'm not sure there's a way to say this, with my advanced age, that doesn't make me come across like a cad... so I shall just out and say it," then drive it home, "I think you're hot. And I'd love to find out just how hot."
I'm sure that'll work for you... it's much more "to the point" than you appear to be normally.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Friday, April 27, 2012
Advice: Lust, Love and Lawlessness
Dear Threetoes,
I'm at a loss... I am very much enjoying the company of a man who has expressed a romantic interest in return. Unfortunately there seems to be a disparity between our views on justice. Recently I was subject to several attacks by a deranged worgen who wished to "possess" me, lucky for me my potential beau was able to help me capture the brute.
This is where things get tricky. I wished to take the incapacited and unconcious villian to the authorities, but my friend wished to kill the criminal in his sleep! I could never condone the slaughter of a helpless person, despite the crimes committed against me by the individual. I expected to see him sent to prison for the rest of his life after a fair trial. Our society (that of the collective Alliance, not just any one particular race) depends on a stable justice system and I intended to support it.
I left my friend and the prisoner with the intention of meeting them in Stormwind to give my account of the attacks. It wasn't until later that I learned that my attacker was killed, in cold blood, by my fellow and his friend.
Needless to say, I was crushed (though, I admit with some guilt that I felt a great deal of relief and vindication) that I was deceived like this!
Threetoes, what should I do? Should I just get over it and pursue love? Or should I stand on my moral high ground and tell him to stuff it?
Sincerely, Lost in Love
Dear Lost,
that's some pretty deep stuff there. Is there a reward for your friend's ca... no wait, that's in poor taste.
A moral mis-alignment between friends can fester until it warps and poisons the individuals. You would be harboring your resentment and he would feel it regardless of your best efforts. No, it's best you clear the air between you.
Either you need to commit a crime of your own with similar moral implications, or he needs to condone himself in your eyes. I imagine that would mean him admitting he made a mistake and working for restitution. Thing is, if you push for the latter, you're sunk anyway.
Why not spend some time apart and see how long you can stand it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I hear.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I'm at a loss... I am very much enjoying the company of a man who has expressed a romantic interest in return. Unfortunately there seems to be a disparity between our views on justice. Recently I was subject to several attacks by a deranged worgen who wished to "possess" me, lucky for me my potential beau was able to help me capture the brute.
This is where things get tricky. I wished to take the incapacited and unconcious villian to the authorities, but my friend wished to kill the criminal in his sleep! I could never condone the slaughter of a helpless person, despite the crimes committed against me by the individual. I expected to see him sent to prison for the rest of his life after a fair trial. Our society (that of the collective Alliance, not just any one particular race) depends on a stable justice system and I intended to support it.
I left my friend and the prisoner with the intention of meeting them in Stormwind to give my account of the attacks. It wasn't until later that I learned that my attacker was killed, in cold blood, by my fellow and his friend.
Needless to say, I was crushed (though, I admit with some guilt that I felt a great deal of relief and vindication) that I was deceived like this!
Threetoes, what should I do? Should I just get over it and pursue love? Or should I stand on my moral high ground and tell him to stuff it?
Sincerely, Lost in Love
Dear Lost,
that's some pretty deep stuff there. Is there a reward for your friend's ca... no wait, that's in poor taste.
A moral mis-alignment between friends can fester until it warps and poisons the individuals. You would be harboring your resentment and he would feel it regardless of your best efforts. No, it's best you clear the air between you.
Either you need to commit a crime of your own with similar moral implications, or he needs to condone himself in your eyes. I imagine that would mean him admitting he made a mistake and working for restitution. Thing is, if you push for the latter, you're sunk anyway.
Why not spend some time apart and see how long you can stand it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I hear.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Advice: Fretting Freckles
Dear Threetoes,
I really have no one else to turn to. You see, I met a guy the other day that...tickles my fancy if you know what I mean. He's one hell of a looker but by the Light, that mouth. He doesn't have two lick of sense in that noggin of his. Every time he opens his mouth, I just want to stuff a gag in it. As a matter of fact, that noggin of his got him in trouble with the law! Molesting a women, really? I still haven't gotten a thanks for clearing his bail for him.
Wait! I think I may of just fixed my own problem. Would it be immoral to muzzle or gag him? He'd be the perfect guy for me if he would just shut up! Or should I just give up on the guy and find someone with both brains and beauty? Does such exist? Hmm, there was that one guy a couple of nights ago. Brains, looks, mystery...
But alas, I'm rambling. Back to the problem at hand, the first guy with the looks but has a mouth. I'm already training him to learn my name and not mistakenly call me by another girl's name. Perhaps the better way to go about this is training him to only open his mouth when he has something good to say? I don't know! This is why I've come to you.
Any advice would be perfect my darling Threetoes.
With a whole lot of love,
Freckles
Dear Freckles,
You're not talking about me are you?
Have you tried electroshock? A muzzle seems like a temporary solution to a long term problem, instead of changing the behavior you'd just be covering it with a bandaid.
On the other hand, I've heard that it's impossible to change a man who doesn't want to be changed. Perhaps you need to spend some time listening and find out what your beau wants. If your goals seem even remotely to align it just might work.
But who knows, maybe he's into kinky toys. In the short term go ahead and buy him a gag and a set of handcuffs as a present and see how he reacts!
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I really have no one else to turn to. You see, I met a guy the other day that...tickles my fancy if you know what I mean. He's one hell of a looker but by the Light, that mouth. He doesn't have two lick of sense in that noggin of his. Every time he opens his mouth, I just want to stuff a gag in it. As a matter of fact, that noggin of his got him in trouble with the law! Molesting a women, really? I still haven't gotten a thanks for clearing his bail for him.
Wait! I think I may of just fixed my own problem. Would it be immoral to muzzle or gag him? He'd be the perfect guy for me if he would just shut up! Or should I just give up on the guy and find someone with both brains and beauty? Does such exist? Hmm, there was that one guy a couple of nights ago. Brains, looks, mystery...
But alas, I'm rambling. Back to the problem at hand, the first guy with the looks but has a mouth. I'm already training him to learn my name and not mistakenly call me by another girl's name. Perhaps the better way to go about this is training him to only open his mouth when he has something good to say? I don't know! This is why I've come to you.
Any advice would be perfect my darling Threetoes.
With a whole lot of love,
Freckles
Dear Freckles,
You're not talking about me are you?
Have you tried electroshock? A muzzle seems like a temporary solution to a long term problem, instead of changing the behavior you'd just be covering it with a bandaid.
On the other hand, I've heard that it's impossible to change a man who doesn't want to be changed. Perhaps you need to spend some time listening and find out what your beau wants. If your goals seem even remotely to align it just might work.
But who knows, maybe he's into kinky toys. In the short term go ahead and buy him a gag and a set of handcuffs as a present and see how he reacts!
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Advice: Worried Whisperer
Mister Threetoes,
Hiya! So, get this, you know that great big graveyard in Duskwood, Raven Hill? Did you know the buildings there are haunted? That doesn’t surprise me, most people don’t. But I do. I’ve felt the ghosts there! One of them knocked me unconscious once. But the others don’t believe me… They think I just fainted.
I’m sure the ghosts are there, I just want to prove it to everyone else! You see, the ghosts are invisible. I think they’re shy. I’ve tried the normal invisibility things… Had my mom mix up some potions, had some of the engineers use their funny goggles… Nothing works. I know they are there though. I just need to convince them to show themselves to me!
I was wondering if you have any suggestions? I want people to stop calling me crazy! I need a way to prove the ghosts are there!
Thanks!
The Raven-Hill Ghost Whisperer
Dear Ghost Whisperer,
Sounds to me like your problem isn’t ghosts, but an overwhelming need for approval. What you need to do is turn it back on the others and make THEM think THEY are crazy. Next time someone says there are no ghosts in the graveyard just give a knowing smile and refuse to say anything. After a while people will start to wonder what you know that they don’t.
It couldn’t hurt to set up a little display, call it a practical joke, to “aid” the others in believing in the ghosts. Perhaps enlist a trusted friend. Once people stop denying their existance the ghosts will stop hiding, I’m sure.
Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer
Hiya! So, get this, you know that great big graveyard in Duskwood, Raven Hill? Did you know the buildings there are haunted? That doesn’t surprise me, most people don’t. But I do. I’ve felt the ghosts there! One of them knocked me unconscious once. But the others don’t believe me… They think I just fainted.
I’m sure the ghosts are there, I just want to prove it to everyone else! You see, the ghosts are invisible. I think they’re shy. I’ve tried the normal invisibility things… Had my mom mix up some potions, had some of the engineers use their funny goggles… Nothing works. I know they are there though. I just need to convince them to show themselves to me!
I was wondering if you have any suggestions? I want people to stop calling me crazy! I need a way to prove the ghosts are there!
Thanks!
The Raven-Hill Ghost Whisperer
Dear Ghost Whisperer,
Sounds to me like your problem isn’t ghosts, but an overwhelming need for approval. What you need to do is turn it back on the others and make THEM think THEY are crazy. Next time someone says there are no ghosts in the graveyard just give a knowing smile and refuse to say anything. After a while people will start to wonder what you know that they don’t.
It couldn’t hurt to set up a little display, call it a practical joke, to “aid” the others in believing in the ghosts. Perhaps enlist a trusted friend. Once people stop denying their existance the ghosts will stop hiding, I’m sure.
Harmin “Threetoes” Wildhammer
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Advice: Worried (potential) Wife
Dear Threetoes,
I'm a Kal'dorei, in a relationship with a Gilnean who is not only inflicted with the Worgen curse, but is also cursed by undeath and served as a Death Knight. We have been together for some time. If my mother knew of this, she would likely disapprove of him. We had been separated some time for various reasons, and I only found him again a few days ago. Upon seeing him again, I felt happy and protective, and I did not want to leave his side ever again. But there is still some conflict in me. Part of me would like to ask him to marry me, but I also think he is an undead abomination. Also, I am not sure how he would take it if I asked. What should I do?
From,
Worried and In Love in Stormwind
Dear Worried,
I have the perfect solution to your situation. Go ahead and ask your beau to marry you, but do it with these words, "(name), you undead abomination, will you marry me?"
I'm pretty sure that will take care of everything.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I'm a Kal'dorei, in a relationship with a Gilnean who is not only inflicted with the Worgen curse, but is also cursed by undeath and served as a Death Knight. We have been together for some time. If my mother knew of this, she would likely disapprove of him. We had been separated some time for various reasons, and I only found him again a few days ago. Upon seeing him again, I felt happy and protective, and I did not want to leave his side ever again. But there is still some conflict in me. Part of me would like to ask him to marry me, but I also think he is an undead abomination. Also, I am not sure how he would take it if I asked. What should I do?
From,
Worried and In Love in Stormwind
Dear Worried,
I have the perfect solution to your situation. Go ahead and ask your beau to marry you, but do it with these words, "(name), you undead abomination, will you marry me?"
I'm pretty sure that will take care of everything.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Advice: Morality Malady
Threetoes,
I ain't one much to seek out advice from anyone, quite frankly I don't need anyone telling me my buisness. But there are somethings I havent a clue about. One of them is being a father. Recently I adopted a little one as my daughter, she crept her way into..well what used to be my heart. Being a Death Knight changes you, you know? Anyways, the girl, my girl, I want to to bring up right.
I got many problem and many 'friends' that aint the type a little girl should be seeing or hanging around. I also don't want to seem hypocritical when I tell her to do the right thing, then I be doing the same later. I can't help who I am but I am wanting to do the right thing for my daughter.
I'm finding myself holding back on many things I want to do, like breed with a goregeous female or knock some ones teeth in when they are p!sssing me off. Thats not to say I haven't done these things when she ain't looking but I find it hard to look her in the eye and tell her no when I know myself I been doing the something wrong only minutes ago.
I cant help who I am, but I want whats best for my girl. Any advice, I'm all ears, but dont be thinking I need it. Only want to hear it from another side.
From,
Death Knight Daddy in Darkshire.
Dear Daddy,
Your daughter wants to "breed" with gorgeous females? Can I watch? Wait, is she legal? no, scratch that, don't need to be hunted by some crazed death knight.
My papa always said, "be the man your dog thinks you are" or something like that. But it's good advice. The two of you are going to change each other, it's inevitable. So why don't you jump the gun and start to ACT instead of REACT.
There are naturally things parents do that they don't allow their children to do, even if theyare perfectly responsible dwarven lads who would totally be careful not to overwork the ram think they are capable of performing adult tasks. The trick is to learn a balance and to include your child in making the rules. Remember you have to be the parent before you can be her friend.
Now, there's nothing wrong with having sex or punching teeth inas long as you don't get cau, under the right circumstances. Teach your girl to know the difference between having sex for pleasure and having sex for making a family. Teach your girl to punch in teeth when the Patroller isn't looking and to take a moment to be sure the bloke isn't choking on his teeth. There's a mighty big divide between knocking heads around and killing a man.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I ain't one much to seek out advice from anyone, quite frankly I don't need anyone telling me my buisness. But there are somethings I havent a clue about. One of them is being a father. Recently I adopted a little one as my daughter, she crept her way into..well what used to be my heart. Being a Death Knight changes you, you know? Anyways, the girl, my girl, I want to to bring up right.
I got many problem and many 'friends' that aint the type a little girl should be seeing or hanging around. I also don't want to seem hypocritical when I tell her to do the right thing, then I be doing the same later. I can't help who I am but I am wanting to do the right thing for my daughter.
I'm finding myself holding back on many things I want to do, like breed with a goregeous female or knock some ones teeth in when they are p!sssing me off. Thats not to say I haven't done these things when she ain't looking but I find it hard to look her in the eye and tell her no when I know myself I been doing the something wrong only minutes ago.
I cant help who I am, but I want whats best for my girl. Any advice, I'm all ears, but dont be thinking I need it. Only want to hear it from another side.
From,
Death Knight Daddy in Darkshire.
Dear Daddy,
Your daughter wants to "breed" with gorgeous females? Can I watch? Wait, is she legal? no, scratch that, don't need to be hunted by some crazed death knight.
My papa always said, "be the man your dog thinks you are" or something like that. But it's good advice. The two of you are going to change each other, it's inevitable. So why don't you jump the gun and start to ACT instead of REACT.
There are naturally things parents do that they don't allow their children to do, even if they
Now, there's nothing wrong with having sex or punching teeth in
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Advice: Copulation Confliction
Dear Threetoes,
I fancy myself a tolerant...uh..."bipedal being". My fellow community of bipedal beings and I have permitted the experience of a great many unjust sufferings, especially within my own considerable span of existence. Throughout my own considerable span of existence I have always strove to designate my consanguinity as primary importance, my community of bipedal beings secondary, and the endeavor of this marvelously magnanimous Alliance tertiary; leaving the matters of other "beings" a quaternary care, burden or disturbance as the case my be.
Throughout the duration of my calling and employment I have suffered the expiration of kin, the genocide of my lineage, the extinguishment of progeny, save one, as well as suffered the devastation of my own aspirations and witnessed the ambition and confidence of my community of bipedal beings shattered. Loathed to do much else, I relinquished my state of responsibility and withdrew for a span.
Recently, my spirit of compatriotism has been revitalized, and I have rejoined my community and fellow bipedal beings to suffer with them once more for as many days as I have left to wander this terrestrial existence. Which brings us to my contention.
I have recently discovered that a close and trusted "affiliate" has been engaged in a now long standing platonic relationship with a member of ...shall we say..."the common adversary". This "affiliate" has attempted to bolster my confidence and assert the innocence of this relation, and is confident "they" are breaking no laws...yet still petitions that I assist in guarding this secret.
I am greatly conflicted.
On the one hand I have every confidence in my "ally" and the wisdom of "their" decisions. I must, for if I don't then I can not truly call them an "ally". I also endeavor in the utmost to exist in the present, as dwelling in the memories of what has already traspired will do me no good, can drastically shorten one's life span and greatly diminish quality of life. On the other hand, my sense of duty requires that I advise my superior's superiors, making them aware of this relation in the event there is a possible conflict of interest, and to prevent a possibly embarrassing, debilitating and dangerous public debacle. Personally, an inveterate animosity has reinvigorated. This "being", while 'claiming' to have been (and still be) a member of a powerful-neutral organization...the nature of his "reemergence" (and therefore ultimate allegiance, I believe) is due to one of the very organizations that is directly responsible for so much pain, suffering and abominable atrocities my community of bipedal beings have endured during this war; to include my own.
If I express the truth and dispose my position, therefore doing what I feel is correct and just in the interests of my community and our Alliance, I risk ostracism and possible demonization by those I would call friends. If I put my trust in my friends, I risk my very life as well as supporting an entity I am morally obligated to despise...if only for what he represents.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Conflicted in Elwynn.
Dear Conflicted,
Did your mama spoon feed you a dictionary or something?
Let me see if I can translate... Your boss is boinkin' someone from the wrong side of the war and you don't know if you should rat him out or trust that thinking with his weiner ISN'T going to get you all in trouble?
Well, in a case like this you have to look out for number one, and I don't mean your boss's boss. You think the rest of your "organization" is going to flip you the bird if you rat out the one guy sleeping with the enemy? Then, frankly, you don't have friends... just some folks'll judge you and easily toss you aside.
Your bro will either come around or he won't, but you can't make yourself responsible for his "dipping his toe in the pond", if you know what I mean. Speak your mind... do it without apology... and own it. Worst that happens is he tries to kill. Best case he wises up and sees you as a shining pillar of righteous goodness and grovels at your feet begging to kiss your toes. Neither is all that likely, so stop being afraid and stiffen that spine!
You can always make new friends... making new life doesn't have the same kind of meaning.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
I fancy myself a tolerant...uh..."bipedal being". My fellow community of bipedal beings and I have permitted the experience of a great many unjust sufferings, especially within my own considerable span of existence. Throughout my own considerable span of existence I have always strove to designate my consanguinity as primary importance, my community of bipedal beings secondary, and the endeavor of this marvelously magnanimous Alliance tertiary; leaving the matters of other "beings" a quaternary care, burden or disturbance as the case my be.
Throughout the duration of my calling and employment I have suffered the expiration of kin, the genocide of my lineage, the extinguishment of progeny, save one, as well as suffered the devastation of my own aspirations and witnessed the ambition and confidence of my community of bipedal beings shattered. Loathed to do much else, I relinquished my state of responsibility and withdrew for a span.
Recently, my spirit of compatriotism has been revitalized, and I have rejoined my community and fellow bipedal beings to suffer with them once more for as many days as I have left to wander this terrestrial existence. Which brings us to my contention.
I have recently discovered that a close and trusted "affiliate" has been engaged in a now long standing platonic relationship with a member of ...shall we say..."the common adversary". This "affiliate" has attempted to bolster my confidence and assert the innocence of this relation, and is confident "they" are breaking no laws...yet still petitions that I assist in guarding this secret.
I am greatly conflicted.
On the one hand I have every confidence in my "ally" and the wisdom of "their" decisions. I must, for if I don't then I can not truly call them an "ally". I also endeavor in the utmost to exist in the present, as dwelling in the memories of what has already traspired will do me no good, can drastically shorten one's life span and greatly diminish quality of life. On the other hand, my sense of duty requires that I advise my superior's superiors, making them aware of this relation in the event there is a possible conflict of interest, and to prevent a possibly embarrassing, debilitating and dangerous public debacle. Personally, an inveterate animosity has reinvigorated. This "being", while 'claiming' to have been (and still be) a member of a powerful-neutral organization...the nature of his "reemergence" (and therefore ultimate allegiance, I believe) is due to one of the very organizations that is directly responsible for so much pain, suffering and abominable atrocities my community of bipedal beings have endured during this war; to include my own.
If I express the truth and dispose my position, therefore doing what I feel is correct and just in the interests of my community and our Alliance, I risk ostracism and possible demonization by those I would call friends. If I put my trust in my friends, I risk my very life as well as supporting an entity I am morally obligated to despise...if only for what he represents.
Please help me.
Sincerely,
Conflicted in Elwynn.
Dear Conflicted,
Did your mama spoon feed you a dictionary or something?
Let me see if I can translate... Your boss is boinkin' someone from the wrong side of the war and you don't know if you should rat him out or trust that thinking with his weiner ISN'T going to get you all in trouble?
Well, in a case like this you have to look out for number one, and I don't mean your boss's boss. You think the rest of your "organization" is going to flip you the bird if you rat out the one guy sleeping with the enemy? Then, frankly, you don't have friends... just some folks'll judge you and easily toss you aside.
Your bro will either come around or he won't, but you can't make yourself responsible for his "dipping his toe in the pond", if you know what I mean. Speak your mind... do it without apology... and own it. Worst that happens is he tries to kill. Best case he wises up and sees you as a shining pillar of righteous goodness and grovels at your feet begging to kiss your toes. Neither is all that likely, so stop being afraid and stiffen that spine!
You can always make new friends... making new life doesn't have the same kind of meaning.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
Advice: Fantastic Fail
Dear Threetoes,
As a famous explorer, inventor, philanthropist, athlete, and all-round great guy, I often find myself confronted with the occasional person that, for whatever reason (ignorance, I assume), has never heard of me.
Obviously this upsets me somewhat, considering the sheer amount of effort I have put in to create my fame and fortune, as well as the extremely fair price on copies of my autobiography "Borbitox: A Life".
How can I ensure more people know just how fantastic I am?
Yours, A
Famous Goblin Explorer, Inventor, etc etc. who wishes to remain anonymous.
Dear Not-So-Anonymous,
What you need is to hire a promoter. Or, you know... get over yourself! I've never even heard of you!
(Incidently I have no idea what I'm going to do with a whole box of autographed copies of your book!)
In all seriousness though, life's too short to worry about how many gold stars you have by the end of the day. Enjoy your adventures and share your wisdom with the world, but try not to take it personally that your name isn't as well circulated as a name like Thrall or Deathwing.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
As a famous explorer, inventor, philanthropist, athlete, and all-round great guy, I often find myself confronted with the occasional person that, for whatever reason (ignorance, I assume), has never heard of me.
Obviously this upsets me somewhat, considering the sheer amount of effort I have put in to create my fame and fortune, as well as the extremely fair price on copies of my autobiography "Borbitox: A Life".
How can I ensure more people know just how fantastic I am?
Yours, A
Famous Goblin Explorer, Inventor, etc etc. who wishes to remain anonymous.
Dear Not-So-Anonymous,
What you need is to hire a promoter. Or, you know... get over yourself! I've never even heard of you!
(Incidently I have no idea what I'm going to do with a whole box of autographed copies of your book!)
In all seriousness though, life's too short to worry about how many gold stars you have by the end of the day. Enjoy your adventures and share your wisdom with the world, but try not to take it personally that your name isn't as well circulated as a name like Thrall or Deathwing.
Harmin "Threetoes" Wildhammer
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