Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Thunder Bluff Conservative

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radio's and lets get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, and we discuss and help the problems of the listeners through letters they send in. I'm your host, the voraciously good looking Pagham. And we have with us my counterpart in all ways, the three-time veteran, Negragh.

Pagham: Dear Pag and Nag, My warlock friend, who I like spending time with, chooses to hang out with his succubus most of the time. I can’t for the life of me feel comfortable in her presence – the sexual innuendo, the inappropriate attire – all make me feel awkward. Maybe if I was a male I’d feel differently, I don’t know. Anyhow, is there a way I can bring this issue up with my friend without hurting anyone’s feelings? Thunder Bluff Conservative

Negragh, deep gravel voice: What? Are you serious? If you think a succubus is bad you should see some of the indecent demons we were fighting with back in the second war. But fine, I get it, you’ve led a sheltered life and hardly had to leave your little valley to show your face to the rest of the world, the world that’s fighting to keep you safe from greater evils than some skanky enslaved demon. First of all, warlocks don’t have souls so they can’t have feelings.

Tell your friend straight up that he needs to keep his whore out of your sight. Don’t bother adding an “or” on there, if you’re bothered by the sight of naked flesh I doubt anything you’d threaten would really alarm the warlock. And, barring that, start punching the demon any time she slaps that whip most of em carry. Your friend will understand.

Pagham: This is incredible. My opponents advice its simply bedazzling. First off, TBC, is you need to understand that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than a curvy, leather-bound succubus chika. They inspire the great poets and sculptures. You need to understand that Mulgore is backwater, and unless you want to be scene as 'that narrow minded' person, you need to accept the wonders of a succubus for what they are.

Don't tell the warlock to remove her. Why would you ask a florist to remove a rose, simply because you're dead inside? Instead, bask in the rose, mimic the rose. Dress as she does and slap your tauren booty to get attention. I, myself, would love to see more open minded tauren babes struttin' their stuff.

I do agree on the point of beating the warlock, however. They themselves are bad, stupid, and pointless people. Oh, so, very pointless.

Pag and Nag Advice Forum - Angry Troll is Angry

(This creative writing post is a collaboration with my friend Josh. We've been gaming in WoW together about six years and throughout that time there were jokes about his warlock's imp being in charge and... hey wouldn't it be funny if he had an advice column. Now Pagham teams up with my angry "old school" orc, Negragh, to start a radio broadcast advice show!)

Pagham, calm, high-pitched voice: Good evening and thanks for tuning in, ladies and gentlemen. It's that hour again, so sit down in front of those goblin radios and let’s get right into it. This is Pag and Nag's Advice Forum, an--

Negragh, deep gravel voice: What the hell was that!? Pag and Nag? I'm not some prancing house wife, imp. What happened to the title 'Grit and Flick'!?

Pagham: This new title rolls off the tongue better.

Negragh: I'll roll something of yours, demon, unless you change the title!

Pagham: Damnit, sit down! We'll talk about the title later. These are precious air seconds we're wasting, you oaf.

Negragh, growling: Bah! I should have retired a few lifetimes ago, look what I'm reduced to, taking orders from a demon. We'll definitely talk about this later... you, me and my fists! Get on with it then!

Pagham: Well, listeners! Let’s pull out our first letter and get this show on the road; looks like we have a fresh pile to dig through. Let's begin. Ready, Naggy-poo?

Sounds of a mic hitting the floor and a loud crash before the radio goes silent for a minute.

Pagham: Seems like I'll be reading our first letter while my Opponent collects himself.

Dear Pag and Nag,

A friend of mine recently said something about me in a group of our friends and acquaintances which hurt me a lot. I am very angry with this friend, but don’t know how to approach the situation without losing my temper and perhaps ruining the friendship. I don’t even know if he’s aware that I’m mad. Please help!

Angry Troll is Angry.

Pagham: It sounds like you are in quiet a social conundrum. Communication in a friendship is like a backbone of a gnome. If its broken, stifled or removed, the gnome *may* survive, but even if he does, he's just a drooling paralyzed mass of wasted drink-serving potential. What I suggest is to approach this friend and issue forth your complaint about his self-centered rumor flinging ways. He is clearly a boob and --

Negragh: Hold on a minute you wordy little demon… the clear course here is violence. A true friend, which I doubt this bloke is, would understand the need to assert oneself physically and sate the temper this troll obviously tries to keep in check. My advice, Angry Troll, is to use a blunt object to the face, this will allow for repair of the friendship after this “kodo in the room” has been taken --

Pagham: Blunt object? My god, I've seen more calculated problem solving in the labratory of Doctor Fetch. This isn't a scenario where force will solve this Angry Troll's issue. The writer *obviously* wishes to keep this friendship on a strong state of dull neutrality. If Angry Troll cannot confront this troublesome oaf with a clear mind, then Angry Troll needs to simply suppress this anger deep within his or her soul. Water under the bridge, with only a small festering mental derangement to pay for it all. But these are not the dark ages. Blunt force is the tool of half-wit meat slaves.

Negragh: Who are you calling a “half wit meat slave” you pathetic waste of space? Let me show you the “suppressed anger deep within my soul”, it’s been festering there for a while and is about to be uncontrollably unleashed on your puny ass. The same thing is happening to Angry Troll. It is best he or she release the pressure of the ulcer by lancing it rather than letting it fester so long it bursts at an embarrassing moment. Take it from me, Angry Troll, give in to your urge for violence in a controlled manner now, before the ability to make sound decisions is taken from you! I’m looking at you, Pagham.

Pagham: Well. I have offered two successful ways of dealing with this problem, Angry Troll. Kind confrontation, or subtle suppression. My Opponent has offered one, which will result in a direct termination of the friendship. Stupid. Take whichever you will, Angry Troll. Just remember one thing: No matter what, there are always more minions to brute into servitude if this one doesn't work out. Good night and good luck!

Character Biography: Negragh Tor'kren

Negragh Tor'kren, orc warrior.
Mistreavers Drill Instructor.

Negragh started out as a bank alt. He remained level 1 for ages and ages and ages. When I referred my mother to the game I didn't have many (cough, any) empty character slots, so I ran Negragh out to level with mom (triple xp if you level together on a refer-a-friend). Negragh is now 67!

Bank alts are fun to role play now and again so Negragh developed a bit of personality and eventually was inserted into my hunter, Karnig's, backstory as an Uncle. (Negragh is the brother of Karnig's father... who is married to Mish Tor'kren the NPC in Durotar). It started out as nothing more than "get off my lawn" type griping at people near "his" mailbox in Orgrimmar. My personal bank guild is called simply, "Banker", so Negragh can be a tad confusing in Orgrimmar (I have people run up to me and try and right click on me now and then).

The story goes that Negragh is a veteran from the 2nd war and settled into a cozy retirement when his brother died leaving behind a wife and three boys. Negragh was too old to fight full time and so went and got a job as a banker in Orgrimmar to support his brother's widow (Misha has a swine farm but apparently it wasn't enough to feed three growing boys). When Negragh took up the sword again (swords, he's Fury) it was with much griping and groaning and plenty of muscle ache cream.

Now Negragh, who became so much fun to role play to remain just a bank alt, is in Mistreavers... and while is technical "rank" is only private he is the official Drill Instructor for recruits in the Warhost. (Mistreavers limits role play rank to one per person... if you have a toon that is an officer or in any kind of leadership role within the guild, none of your other toons can rise above the basic RP rank. That's to "spread it around" and make sure there are plenty of RP opportunities for everyone.) He doesn't actually instruct anyone, but he does a lot of bitching about how the recruits aren't learning anything and how they'll surely get someone killed with their ineptitude.

Aside from his tie-in with my hunter, Negragh also has a tie in with a Death Knight known as Blackscar. Blackscar, when he was alive, was Negragh's drill instructor. As old and cranky as Negragh is... Blackscar is worse.