You know what it's like to be alone in a sea of people? Hundreds of faces... green, blue, pink, furred... and yet you stand in solitude. There are those who would jump in front of sword for you, there are those who would loan you cash, still others who would fight Ragnaros himself for you... and yet, you're still alone. Your innermost thoughts and feelings, the very private parts of your psyche, held within a steel wall of protection, hidden from those around you.
It can drive a person insane.
I'm one of those people. I've done things I'm not proud of, things that would drive my best friend away in more than that "we're having a fight for a day or two, we'll make up soon" kind of way. In fact, the only entity that knows all of me is the Light. Unfortunately it's hard to speak to a concept. Even worse is waiting for a reply. So hey, I have a journal now and that will have to suffice until I trust someone enough to let them within the protective barrier I've erected.
Most of the time I'm all talk and bluster, I don't shy away from telling people how it is nor do I worry about using "bad" words to convey my thoughts. But there's a part of me that's a complete and total sucker. I mean a REAL sucker. I have a soft spot for those in need, it's what draws me to doing the Light's work. Unfortunately that's gotten me into a tight spot now and then... like this week.
I met this handsome young man, his name is Merantalmai Boldrunner, and we started chatting. He seemed sweet, if a little full of himself (so many elven men are anyway, what's new) so we ended up chatting for a while. He let me buy him a drink even, which was so charming in an odd sort of way. After a while he finally warmed up enough to tell me about his personal life... and his mother. I felt so utterly horrible hearing his story. Apparently she got his father addicted to fel energies and keeps him alive but unable to do more than drool. She keeps him alive so that Talmai (that's what his friends call him) can't inherit his father's estate... what's left of it. If he had control he could build it back up into it's former glory. But no... his mother, keeps it barely afloat so she has a source of income.
As if that wasn't bad enough she even tried to have him married off to a pliable young woman to get him an heir, presumably (so he says) so she can take Talmai out of the picture and work with a new heir.
He was so lost, so lonely, I really felt myself drawn to him. So I was completely in the right mindset to do him a favor when he asked. He just wanted a date, not a real date even, just a friend to accompany him, so he wouldn't have to face a venomous ex-girlfriend alone at a party. What harm could it do? Right?
Oh Light I'm an idiot.
This was a costume party, I was provided with a costume that looked fantastic on me but left little to the imagination. No big deal, I get it, object of desire, right? (Can you imagine my eyes rolling?) Whatever, I'll get through the event and things can go back to normal. I'm doing a favor for a new friend. Turns out this party was for two.
Yeah, all he wanted was a romp. Considering how elaborate the plan to get me to his place alone was I have to wonder how much of his sob story is real. But that's not even the worst of it, I mean I've met lonely men before, I'm blessed (or cursed) with looks enough to draw in most of them.
No, the worst was running into Lathandrael on the way to the "party". If I could replay a few hours of my life, this would be third or fourth on the list. First he barely hides his disdain for my outfit, offering me a cloak to cover up after commenting about how it probably doesn't protect me any. Then he sidesteps all my attempts to invite him to travel to see A'dal with me. What, so now it's weird to hang out with me? All of a sudden I'm not good enough because I'm all hussied up for the amusement of another man? Screw him.
I tried to pick things up and turn them around and be clear about my feelings for him without making him feel pressure. Our friendship will remain intact, regardless of whether he shares my feelings. I was, I thought, so candid... why couldn't he be the same? Why make me feel like I should be ashamed of my appearance and my sexual freedom (regardless of the fact that I didn't plan on doing anything with my "date")? The Light does not demand celebacy. And Humility is not a codeword for haggard old woman who never ever has sex. AND I DIDN'T! But I don't want to tell him that. I don't want him to think it's okay to try and shove me into his narrow viewed tiny box of what is "Okay" for a woman to say or do or be.
And most infuriating of all... I still have strong feelings for him even after that crap. But you can't change a person and pining to do that will only cause you heartache... or so I'm told. So I recanted and we'll go on from here. I'll be nothing more than his bladesister and friend. Here's where I roll my eyes at myself again and make some snide comment about how being a martyr really doesn't suit my complextion.
Men. Bah!
(( Lathandrael's version of the events. ))
No comments:
Post a Comment